Funny Chuck Norris Like Tweets

Update your Twitter status with a Chuck Norris like joke. We've all heard Chuck Norris jokes, so why not tweet one. You can humor your friends by updating your Twitter status with a ridiculous statement like those used in Chuck Norris jokes. Below are a few examples.


...doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.

...doesn't sleep, he waits.

...is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

...doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

...can slam a revolving door.

...counted to infinity...............TWICE!!!

...can divide by zero.

...is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

...can speak Braille.

...knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

...once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

...can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

...can kill two stones with one bird.

...was once wrong, but only because he thought he had made a mistake.


Tweet Funny Quotes on Twitter

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
-Bill Cosby

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
-Mark Twain

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
-Samuel Goldwyn

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-Woody Allen

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.
-Ashley Montagu

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
-Jeff Pesis

Tweet Funny Twitter Updates

...enjoys talking in third person way too much.

...is updating his status to let you know his status is that he has no status.

...is getting behind early so he has plenty of time to catch up.

...is wondering why the chicken actually crossed the road. WHY?

...is eliminating, removing, and getting rid of redundancy in his life.

...that's what she said.

...is wondering why driveways are driveways and parkways are parkways when you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.

...is wondering who Burger King's queen is.

...is wondering who Dairy Queen's king is.

...is wondering if Burger King is king and Dairy Queen is queen, who is the prince?

...is listening to the radio to see what is on tv.

...is imagining a world where green means stop and red means go.

...is playing hide and seek with Osama Bin Laden, wow he is good at this game.

...is like annoyed by like people that like use the word like like all the time when they like talk.

...is wondering if anyone has actually sailed the seven seas.

..."where are the seven seas?"

Tweet Random Questions

Why is it that when you deliver something by car its a shipment and when you deliver something by ship its cargo?

Why is a parkway called a parkway and a driveway called a driveway when you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

What color is on the top of a stoplight?

What are the seven seas?

Why does twitter have a 140 character limit?

Where am I?